laying awake at night

     

     As I lay here thinking about things, I wonder who else is going through this. I have moments throughout the day where I cant keep my eyes open. But when it is time to go to bed sometimes I sleep well, a lot more frequently I lay here awake. The hot flashes I have been getting over the last 8 years are insane. The usually come at night and, wow! Talk about miserable. I am now a firm believer in spontaneous human combustion. They say that when it happens, people burn like candles. I always thought it was just stories until I started to get these miserable little hot flashes. So you go to bed and it's about 13 degrees outside. Farenheit not Celcius. I used to need an electric blanket and lots of covers. Well not any more! Now I need the windows open and a fan blowing on me.  

  I don't know whats worse. Waking up wet and sweating or being awake and feeling your internal temperature rise. I was having a dream the other night that I was sleeping on a lit charcoal grille. Laying across the grate and there were piles of hot coals right below me. I woke up soaking wet with my underwear wrapped around my left ankle. Yup naked and soaked from head to toe. Then trying to remember if I had an apple in my mouth and if I was basted in a honey pineapple glaze. I actually checked myself for sear marks. Was I golden brown? A few minutes pass and, Nope it was just a dream about overheating.. 

     Then there are other times that I am feeling normal and I hear a click in the back of my head, then the temperature starts to rise. Not slow like a pot of water, but more like the furnace just turned on and it's Hell bent on heating things up right now. As a kid I loved the heat. As a young adult I loved the heat. As a heart patient, I love the cold! I have come to the conclusion that it is better to be freezing as you can always add layers for warmth. Heat sux, because you can only get naked, then you are screwed. Think hoping in a nice cool body of water helps? Nope! Not when you are having a hot flash. Nor does going outside in shorts in the snow.. you have to wait for that fire to burn out first.

  I hope that you have a good nights sleep. Looks like I am going to be up for a while... 

8 years in

Hello my friends! 

     So you have found out that you need an ICD. The things that are going through your mind right now are crazy. There are so many things that you are thinking about and unsure of. I hope that you did not find out that you need an ICD the same way that I did. Depending on your personality and life style I am sure you have questions. How did this happen? Why me? How am I going to live like this? Why am I still here? Etc. Etc. Well, I probably do not have the answers. But maybe my experiences will help to light your way. I have had mine for a little over 8 years now, and have just turned 50. Some of the years have been better then others. I am now 3 years past what the life expectancy of people with my particular illness were expected to live when I 1st read about this. Well, I never really took good care of myself. I still really don't. The emotions I went through and still go through kind of went and go like this. Depression, anxiety, anger, sorrow and pain.. Things seem to go a bit smoother now. At first I thought I would be gone soon and there were many things that I still wanted to do. There are still many things that I want to do. At first, I let this thing rule my life. I am sure I still do at times. Usually when having an anxiety attack. Depression, how do you deal with it? I have been on Prozac for several years now, and that seems to help a bit. I remember when this happened, I would mope around feeling sorry for myself. Life is over. Life is over.. Well the good news is I am pretty stubborn, and maybe that has afforded me the opportunity to still be here. Lol.. I remember the six weeks following the implant. I went for walks, lots of walks. This was how I could get out of the house and be by myself. Worried about what was to come of me and my family. No savings or money to fall back on. Concerned about how I was going to make ends meet. Concerned that now I am sick and will not be able to work like I did before. Sole support for a fmaily of seven. What am I going to do. How long am I going to live. Will I even be able to go back to work? Do I need to find a new job? I would take long walks and try to sort through the ashes of what I knew life to be. When I wasnt walking I was up in my bedroom feeling sorry for myself and looking out of my window at the park across the street thinking life was really over. I felt like there was a thick fog wrapped around me. Trying to smother me. I could put on a bit of a happy face for family, butI think they could tell. It was hard to get up every day. 5lb lifting restrictions, pain in my chest. New meds and feeling exhausted. I was an emotional train wreck. I could feel myself spiraling out of control mentally. So what I did, was start to put together a bucket list. Things that I have always wanted to do. I stayed in the place I was working for about another year and a half and then moved to a sales career. Thinking that may be a little less stressful. HA! the joke is on me. I had come up with some awesome ideas too. Not sure how I was planning on making them happen. But I kept getting out of bed and moving forward. Okay, moving at least. Desperate to experience some things I wanted to before my inevitable demise. I had come up with wanting to learn how to fly ultra light aircraft. I May still pull that off. But going to have to wing it. I Started to develop interests in anything that would keep my mind off of what was really happening with my heart.I Kept getting bouts of fibrillation here and there creating more anxiety and depression. Ugh, what a terrible place to dwell. Then like a light switch, things started to seem a little better. I will blame the prozac. I have a great family that has stood beside me. Pushed me a bit and encouraged me. Tales of people with ICD's helping to put little seeds of hope back in my life. Plant the seeds and let them grow! My friends, this is not the end. This is quite possibly the beginning. I have many experiences to continue to share here. I am sorry for my absence, and will be working on this more frequently. If it even helps just one person it is worth it. Like I said, this is not the end. Just a new beginning. Maybe you will have to do things a little differently. That has not really been the case for me. Ya, I have not gone and grabbed a welder, or played on the big lathes that I used to, I am a salesman now. I think I actually have more stress in my life. Maybe a few Less hours and a different sense of purpose. More looking to help people then anything at this point. The best suggestion I have right now is to get up and get moving. Though the medications are exhausting, I find the days I walk I feel a little better. I can feel the weather changes and, how I am sleeping affects the pain that I feel from the implant. I am more in tuned with my body, even though I have become a little thicker. I can tell when my heart is a little out of whack. Palpitations, fibrillation etc. Seems weird. But I can feel it. I hope to see you here again. Please leave comments on what you are going through. Check out my podcast below