So you have found out that you need an ICD. The things that are going through your mind right now are crazy. There are so many things that you are thinking about and unsure of. I hope that you did not find out that you need an ICD the same way that I did. Depending on your personality and life style I am sure you have questions. How did this happen? Why me? How am I going to live like this? Why am I still here? Etc. Etc. Well, I probably do not have the answers. But maybe my experiences will help to light your way. I have had mine for a little over 8 years now, and have just turned 50.
Some of the years have been better then others. I am now 3 years past what the life expectancy of people with my particular illness were expected to live when I 1st read about this. Well, I never really took good care of myself. I still really don't. The emotions I went through and still go through kind of went and go like this. Depression, anxiety, anger, sorrow and pain.. Things seem to go a bit smoother now. At first I thought I would be gone soon and there were many things that I still wanted to do. There are still many things that I want to do. At first, I let this thing rule my life. I am sure I still do at times. Usually when having an anxiety attack.
Depression, how do you deal with it? I have been on Prozac for several years now, and that seems to help a bit. I remember when this happened, I would mope around feeling sorry for myself. Life is over. Life is over.. Well the good news is I am pretty stubborn, and maybe that has afforded me the opportunity to still be here. Lol.. I remember the six weeks following the implant. I went for walks, lots of walks. This was how I could get out of the house and be by myself. Worried about what was to come of me and my family. No savings or money to fall back on. Concerned about how I was going to make ends meet. Concerned that now I am sick and will not be able to work like I did before. Sole support for a fmaily of seven. What am I going to do. How long am I going to live. Will I even be able to go back to work? Do I need to find a new job? I would take long walks and try to sort through the ashes of what I knew life to be. When I wasnt walking I was up in my bedroom feeling sorry for myself and looking out of my window at the park across the street thinking life was really over. I felt like there was a thick fog wrapped around me. Trying to smother me. I could put on a bit of a happy face for family, butI think they could tell.
It was hard to get up every day. 5lb lifting restrictions, pain in my chest. New meds and feeling exhausted. I was an emotional train wreck. I could feel myself spiraling out of control mentally. So what I did, was start to put together a bucket list. Things that I have always wanted to do. I stayed in the place I was working for about another year and a half and then moved to a sales career. Thinking that may be a little less stressful. HA! the joke is on me. I had come up with some awesome ideas too. Not sure how I was planning on making them happen. But I kept getting out of bed and moving forward. Okay, moving at least. Desperate to experience some things I wanted to before my inevitable demise. I had come up with wanting to learn how to fly ultra light aircraft. I May still pull that off. But going to have to wing it. I Started to develop interests in anything that would keep my mind off of what was really happening with my heart.I Kept getting bouts of fibrillation here and there creating more anxiety and depression. Ugh, what a terrible place to dwell. Then like a light switch, things started to seem a little better. I will blame the prozac.
I have a great family that has stood beside me. Pushed me a bit and encouraged me. Tales of people with ICD's helping to put little seeds of hope back in my life. Plant the seeds and let them grow! My friends, this is not the end. This is quite possibly the beginning. I have many experiences to continue to share here. I am sorry for my absence, and will be working on this more frequently. If it even helps just one person it is worth it. Like I said, this is not the end. Just a new beginning. Maybe you will have to do things a little differently. That has not really been the case for me. Ya, I have not gone and grabbed a welder, or played on the big lathes that I used to, I am a salesman now. I think I actually have more stress in my life. Maybe a few Less hours and a different sense of purpose. More looking to help people then anything at this point. The best suggestion I have right now is to get up and get moving. Though the medications are exhausting, I find the days I walk I feel a little better. I can feel the weather changes and, how I am sleeping affects the pain that I feel from the implant. I am more in tuned with my body, even though I have become a little thicker. I can tell when my heart is a little out of whack. Palpitations, fibrillation etc. Seems weird. But I can feel it.
I hope to see you here again. Please leave comments on what you are going through.
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