Ever been so mad you wanted to......

   Have ou ever been so pissed of at some one that you wanted to suck your finger and get it sloppy dripping wet.. Jam it in some ones ear and wave a big magnet over your ICD? Yeah, me either.

   Ok, so that's a lie. Depends on the damned moment. I think about it all the time.. I no longer want to beat some one senseless.. Ok, Ok that's a lie too. But come on. I have listned to people whine and cry about the most stupid shit. I have often wondered if maybe a good jolt of electricity through the brainis exactly what they need.. Will they flop on the floor like a fish out of water or will it not do a damned thing. Hummm that is why they sell tazers I bet. If the ICD won't work pull out the tazer.. make sure you spit on the point of electrical contact to ensure good electrical flow and WHAMMO! Let the sparks fly. That's right you sorry bastard. That'll teach you to smash that cart into my heels.

  Hell it could be a revolution. You could nail any one. Look you jack off, you screwed up my order. I said no pickles, here is a shock or two for that. Oh, you goofy broads decide to stand in the middle of the aisle and hog that whole some bitch up so we can't walk past. This is not social hour Zzzzzttt. Lol bet ya don't do that again. Perhaps we could change how people act and pay attention...


    Well nothing much to report today people. It has been a good day. A little pain around my device but nothing too major. I find it hard to make it through the day without a nap, especially hot days. I have gotten pretty lazy, and know I need to exercise and perhaps this will boost my energy levels once again. I am not enjoying the man boobs I have developed nor the belly. My Dr. Says its my body trying to protect it's self so It is growing fat around my pecs. The belly, that's a different story all together. Mmmmmm food.. tasty tasty food.. lol.

  I hope you all are doing as well as I am, if not I hope you are doing better.

I am a barometer!

  So I honestly do not know the truth of the matter here. The facts seem subject to opinion. Maybe those of you who have an ICD go through the same damned thing as I do. Some days are worse then others.....

   I wake several times a night with pain in my chest. Is it Heart pain also known as Angina? Well from what I am told, No. What it is, is this device sits on a bunch of nerves. And I am fairly easily agitated in the first place so it's not really like I need any extra help here. I wake several times in the night grabbing my box. Sometimes I dream of ripping it from my chest. Some times I lay there plotting a trip to the hardware store and purchasing an x-acto knife and playing Surgeon. Would it really hurt that bad to cut this thing from my chest?

   Then my mind starts in..... there is something in my chest! Some thing! It's trying to burrow through my chest like a gopher. Maybe it's all a dream? Well if it's a dream it really sucks! Then my apparently split personalities start in and some of the shit they say.... You should just rip it out. It would feel so much better if you just cut it out.. its like staples in your boob. Quick get the morphine patch.. then they talk amongst themselves.. He ain't got the balls, well sure he does mr. We just can't let him up to prove you wrong. Who do you think you are any way? Maybe we should go out sometime and leave him here. Yes, he would have to stay home, remember the last time he went out drinkin and partying it up.. Yes, yes. He almost jammed his tooth brush out the back of his head when it shocked him... Wait wait.  We do have to take him with us.. Then the alarm sounds and I am brought back to some form of reality, but really dis appointed that the try to leave me out of things..

  Then through out the day, especially when we are about to get weather I tend to get super sore under this device. I suppose it is ok, because I tend to know when the weather is changeing. But the way the weather is in Colorado.. Holy crap. Rain here, wind there, sunny now, cooler in half an hour. Rain again, hot, cold... Damn I am tired of the pain that goes with it....

  The up side is I am still here and Tiger Balm helps. I am greatful I am still here to complain because I know I am still alive.

 I hope you are well and you have enjoyed reading my blog so far.. This realistically hurts less then the box in my chest at times.....

Almost three years in......

  It's been a while since I have posted. I am doing pretty well with my job selling cars and am somewhat happy. Still having severe mood swings that I do manage to cover up much better now.. No not perfect by any stretch but better. Still plotting peoples demise lol. Well in some respects I have more patience and in others I still have an extremely short fuse. I have a great understanding of my own mortality and am discovering I do now have issues with commitments.

  I have also discovered that some people you should never sell a new car to. I had this clown I bent over backwards and rode our finance directors ass for weeks to get him into a New Camaro. She finall pulled in favors to get this guy financed and this jack off bounced his check for the down payment of $2000.00. So when he finally came in and made good on his check he asked us to no longer contact him about anything. So we agreed. He in turn marks all zeros on the survey he got from GM and at this point has cost me over $3000.00 personally at this time. See salesmen get a little bonus at certain dealerships for preformance. Now what does this have to do with anything you ask? Its about dealing with stress. Take away the bonus I have earned and then the fines that are assessed until my csi comes back and this has removed close to $3500.00 from my ability to feed my family. Not cool. Stress can affect everything about your health and that has added so much stress to my life it is insane. Perhaps I will start a page about who to not sell a new car to lol.

 When you take a few steps backwards you can actually get a clear picture of what is happening. You assess what makes sense and start to adjust... Whoa. WTF!  Wow the shades fell off and I am over it. I do not like stress, I just want to live while I am still alive. I am pretty good at the sales gig. Why? Fuck if I know... Maybe because I am real. I don't pretend about jack shit and if I don't know I don't make it up.

   The problem here is this. I see what I pay every month and I see its 25 years till the end of that tunnel. I stopped in my tracks and I can litterally feel my heart rate increase when I stress out over money.. wow.. I bet that everyone does. Well so what the hell am I gonna do to reduce this stress in my life?

   Stress.  When the mind overrides the bodys basic need to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it... I have no clue as to who wrote that but damn its perfect.

  Okay, the plan. 2 to 5 years to be Debt free. I find this exciting and do not have the bugs worked out just yet. I have always wanted to live in the mountains. So I intend to buy a plot of land here in Colorado. I am going to build an off the grid home and move up in the hills. Now the potential here is exciting but does not raise heart rates and blood pressure for me. It actually seems rather tranquil.

   Once I am Debt Free. Living should become fun again. That is exactly what I want. No stress, can do pretty much whatever. If I do go to the hospital, I won't be stressed out about how to pay the mortgage.. wow. A win win situation.

  I suppose the whole point to todays blog is to let you all know. I am still here and I am doing well. No episodes to report for 2 years now. Yes! I hope you all are doing well.