Pain, lets you know you are alive! Nightmares make you wish you were not.

  What a rough night! I woke up about every 14 minutes in severe levels of pain. I woke every time grabbing my chest and wanting to scream out and cry. I can not believe sometimes how impossible it becomes to get a good nights sleep. When you have the pain in your chest, I do not think it matters whether it is deep or surface pain, but it will wake you in a panic. I have learned that becoming accustomed to pain is eventually going to be my down fall. If you wake grabbing your chest, it may be in your best interests to wake up and adjust things to eliminate the pain. I find I am so pissed off that I have chest pain, and that I am so convinced that it is my device that I force myself to go back to sleep and ignore it as best I can. How in the hell am I going to continue to live like this? Why does it have to hurt like hell and disrupt such blissful sleep? Why is this happening?

     As this man says in the movie VanHelsing. " I am accustomed to pain"  Yes, it does let you know you are alive! There is nothing like laying in bed and feeling like someone is twisting a knife around in your chest. It makes breathing difficult and you begin to sweat. You lay there grasping your chest, initially you think you are having a heart attack. Your left arm is numb, and the pain in your chest grows. You lay flat on your back, or attempt to sit up and this pulls your chest flat once again and you feel your device lay down again, evening out the pressure over your pectoral muscle. You lay there with water leaking from your eyes, because it hurts so bad. I still am impressed at exactly how bad it does actually hurt at times. I have had serious injuries over the years that did not hurt even close to as bad as this does at times. Usually I can get my mind wrapped around it and just ride it out. Last night was a little different. I have not felt the pain like that before, and I really do not care to have that again. How is it that when you wake grabbing your chest that you can be silent? How is it that the pain in ones chest can be so unbearable that it wakes you in agony, yet we are still able to keep our cool and not wake our loved ones? How is it that something that has been an internal part of you for a couple years can still inflict that kind of pain? It is days like this that you really contemplate having the nerves severed. I refuse to have that done simply because I maintain the thought that this ICD is not permanent.

     What I wouldn't give to sleep like this once again! I do not know about you, but when I have chest pain I have screwed up dreams as well. I find it impressive that I can be dreaming of gardening and twist it into pain. I can pluck a radish out of the ground, and as I clean it it develops a bulge in what I assume is its chest. Then it grows a face and begins screaming. It appears that electrical currents start arching out of the bulge in its chest, then  the ICD comes tearing its way through the skin, clawing and digging it's way out. It turns and grabs the wire and tugs, pulls and yanks until the wire starts to pull through the skin. The wire rips its way across the bulge and suddenly stops. The ICD positions it's self and gives a final heave and the wire comes out, still attached to a pulsing piece of flesh, I assume this represents a piece if the heart. Then I wake grasping my chest and feeling the pain and how severe it is. But silently dealing with it so I do not wake loved ones. I wonder how much longer I can handle this? Is this the beginning of my decent into madness? At times I truly do wonder. I wonder how long it takes the pain to break me down enough to where I really can't focus enough to hold down a job? I wonder if it is something that is eventually going to land me on disability? There are so many questions I have about what is happening, and what I get when I ask the question is a vague answer. There should be counseling in place to deal with the questions of patients with ICD implants. There needs to be a way of having them be pain free, so one does not fear the device. The mental tolls at time become quite large. But this is life. Life does not stop because I have nightmares, it still continues on. Life does not stop, I still have to support my family, I still have to function. No matter how bad it hurts to move my arm, I still have responsibilities. I must move forward and not dwell on my pain. I wonder what lesson this is trying to teach me, should everything happen for a reason. What is the message, and once I learn it will the pain and nightmares subside?  

     One of my favorite Happy Place pictures. From the movie Happy Gilmore. I try to spend some time in my happy place when I have no\nightmares, but somehow the pain will twist those thoughts as well. I do not know if there is any cure. A tranquil island has its dangers as well, and your mind will make it so you cant find peace. I suppose the only thing to do when this happens is to get up and take a Tylenol or something and ride it out. Maybe watch a funny movie, or if you are brave enough a scary one. I suppose it will depend on your tastes as an individual. 

 Keep coming back! More to come.