I think I am "Wal-Mart people"!

   First off, I have to apologize that I have not been writing for a few days. I am trying to get used to my new job, and it has been a little interesting to say the least. Trying to find a life/work balance can be rather interesting. It will come around quickly, but in the mean time a bit of adjustment is in order.

     So over the last few days I have discovered that I have not been drinking enough water. I have had a bit of a headache since last Wednesday, along with feeling a little off. You know, when your brain feels like a shriveled raisin flopping around in you head. Not to mention when you are hot as hell, but you are not sweating. This is a sign of dehydration and says, Hey, Drink some water you big O' dummy. But do we listen? Oh, Hell No! I am bald so I do not have the hair to catch all the sweat like most people. That means my head looks like the hood of a well waxed car right after it rains. The water gets all beaded up, and it can be really uncomfortable. I try to stay cool, but in the heat it is difficult. Perhaps I will need to get approval to wear a hat. I think sweat rolling off a guys head, fits into the stereo type of Big ol Sweaty guy. Now that can be a turn off for people, like selling cars is not already bad enough. I really don't need any additional opposition.

     So yesterday I am wandering through Wal-Mart in my comfy shorts and a wife beater under shirt. What a stereotype. Well I am wandering around the store, thoroughly embarrassing my wife. Although, she has become accustomed to this over the years, so I do not think she even notices anymore for the most part. People stare at you and shake their heads and stuff. And I was actually being on my better behavior yesterday because I was not feeling well. Now here is the thing, I am in my forties and on medications. I have gas like never before, and the gas pills do not help. So I am a guy, and my mind says why fight it? So its fair game to let em fly. I can't exactly hold em, and sometimes when you walk they squeak out with each step. It could be truly embarrassing if you actually cared. Well, I have decided to embrace this new found toy. So when I go to Wal-Mart I get bored pretty quick. I go and look at the men's clothes, and I have found it to be fun to rip off a beauty and disappear, to observe from other places. Inconspicuous places where people would not possibly expect that the stench came from you. I have become quite fond of seeing peoples reactions.

     OK, No I am no where near this obvious. But the reactions people have are funny as hell. I think medication emissions are a bit more offensive than regular as well. So you rip off a beauty, hopefully a silent one, then you slink off around a few racks of clothes or to the end of the aisle, looking like you are entering the aisle. Some unsuspecting person walks into the awaiting brown cloud of death. I think mine have nasty green and purple stripes now. Well, the unsuspecting victim steps into the funk, and "Oh My God" or "Oh Wow" or many other choice things pop out of their mouths. Now this actually makes shopping at Wal-Mart quite entertaining. It does make it very hard not to smile and laugh. 

     So we get to the checkout yesterday to get my happy pills and a bunch of other crap. I have no clue as to why every time we go to Wal-Mart it has to cost about a hundred dollars. I had a cart full of crap, and so did my wife. I went to the 'put Bob out of a Job' checkout, and the wife went and got stuck in a regular line. Imagine that. So they had 2 checkers on duty, and one line was shut down. Then the line they directed my wife to shut down with issues as well. I figure it wont be too long, so I had already grabbed the Ice. I sit down on the bench in front of the checkout my wife was in, and then the line she was directed away from had gotten its price modification done and was going again. Of course there was a line of people that immediately jumped into that line. It was futile to tell the wife to jump over there. So while I am sitting there on the bench, watching the puddle of water grow under my cart from my melting Ice, I begin adjusting the box in my chest. Yes I do tend to play with the box in my chest when I am bored. I suppose its a nervous twitch or something. It only took about 20 minutes for my wife to get through the checkout, being next in line since she got to that line. Oh well. So as people walk by, and see you twisting your ICD, and eating those little junior mints, watching the dripping of water under your cart, they look at you like you are some sort of freak. You look up to see your wife's mouth hanging open like damn, that looks tasty. You see the look on her face and she is trying to get you to smile by making silly faces. Then it hits you. The looks of the people walking by,  the silly faces your wife is making, the water that has now puddled around your shoes, and you are digging in a box of Junior Mints. You think to yourself as you adjust your ICD a little to the right, "Now damn, this ICD is the least of my concerns." A slight smile comes to your face as you look for people taking pictures, I have become Wal-Mart people! Maybe I should get up and get a dress... 

     I hope you got a laugh. Happy Wal-Marting! 

      Keep coming back! more to come.  

  

Farms, Cars and People that know you have died.

     Yesterday was initially awkward, but it became a very good day. I went to meet my step parents at a friend of theirs house. I understand that they hadn't seen each other in 50 years! I was invited out there with my boys to see this mans private car collection, and of course get to see my step parents a bit longer. I have not been able to see Larry and Kaye for many many years. The last time they were through Colorado I was out in the field working, I think in Wyoming, I don't much remember where. I learned that just still being here was enough. They didn't have any questions for me about my incident. They didn't pry at all. What did happen is we had a wonderful visit! I was worried that they would treat me different then before, that is how it goes mostly. But how it turned out is, they were so happy to see me and my family. I could not believe how genuinely happy they still are. I learned an awful lot yesterday, perhaps it was just finally the right time for it to register.

     So when we got there yesterday, it was offered to my boys the opportunity to feed a baby cow. Yes, a calf, but we were introduced to it as the baby. Jake got into the pen and fed the baby. He was thrilled to death to be able to feed a baby cow. I got to speak with Larry and we were catching up a little on the boys ages. We walked around and looked at all the farm equipment, and the out buildings. I learned that Larry's friend had 100 acres, and had a lease of 350 additional acres, also access to an additional 625. His friend had worked for a grocery store for his entire career, and had built every building on this property. As we walked and talked there was not even a hint of curiosity about what had happened to me. It was just as cool and calm as when I learned how to fish. As far as I can remember it was Larry that taught me how to fish, when I was five or six. We talked and it was suggested that my son Jake was about the age I was when I first met Larry and Kaye, conscious memory. I remember driving out to California in my dad's new VW Bus. What a fun trip. Well the memories flood back. Larry's friend  brought down a couple of special animals to show my boys, a mini horse and a burrow.

     It is at this point I figure out that I am a terrible photographer. Well the nice part is that my boys all fed the animals some treats and they had a blast. Yes, I have 3 boys and they were all there, terrible photographer right. OK, so we continue talking, and in my mind I am waiting for the questions to pop up. I don't mind talking about it so much, but I do resent how different people treat you when they learn you have been on the other side. We walk around and we look at the buildings, and we walk inside, there is a Dodge neon, and in the middle of a frame off restoration I think I recall it was a 23 Ford Tudor. Not sure on the year, but fantastic automobile, all I know is I want one. He has a lift in this area and an unbelievable collection of Franklin mint collectible cars. There were also old gas pumps from the 20's and 30's time period. What an awesome garage. So we go into the attached garage and see the custom paint booth. I have not seen a paint booth this trick. What an honor to be invited to see this. Then off the paint booth is yet another garage. There was an 80's Corvette, and a few motorcycles and a 53 Henry, and a 23 Ford model "T" Touring. there was one other vehicle as well. I do not know what it was, as I was drooling over the model "T". Granted the only thing I know was changed on the model "T" is it no longer was a hand crank start. The car is 90 years old and was purchased from the daughter of the original owner. She had learned how to drive in this car. What an awesome thing this was. Again terrible photographer, no pictures at all. The car runs and is straight, absolutely fantastic, even though it looked like it was painted from ten feet with a brush. 

     So the main garage as I call it, had these jewels. What a fantastic private collection! 39 Ford sedan, there was a 56 and 55 Chevrolet Belair's, a 69 Beetle convertible, a 72 challenger, a 33 Chevrolet hot rod with jump seat and me standing in a puddle of drool. The Vette is a 72 and the Caddy is just a care he likes an awful lot. I did not get to go and see what all was in the hangar. I understand there is a 57 Chevrolet and yada yada. There are slot machines and a spotless work shop with every bell and whistle you could want. There is a juke box with all 50's era music, and I just cant express how impressed I was with this. Again, what an Honor! So our visit came to an end, and it was time to head to the house. Larry and Kaye followed me and my boys to the house. Where we sat and visited for a while. I am a terrible host as well, as it was a couple of hours before I offered them a glass of water. OMG! could I really screw this up any worse?? We talked about when we used to go out and see them in California, and they brought me some of the pictures they had from those times. We talked about some friends of that time I have not seen, but remember vividly. Not one question about my health arose. We began talking about the camp grounds that they have owned, and I never got to go see. I forgot to get pictures of them, and when they left last evening, I was happy but saddened. We had such a brief amount of time. 

     I have to get on my feet. I have to be able to go to see them in California. I know they will not be able to travel like this much longer. I do not want there to be 10 damned years between visits. I have to be able to live. I learned that Larry and Kaye had always been in the people business. They have done well for themselves, but most of all they enjoyed their careers and path in life. They always had some time to spend with others, and have always been nothing but loving to me. There was no hint that they had any questions about what had happened to me. There was no hint of having to be cautious about what had happened. There was nothing but us, and the kindness they have always shown me. The kindness they have always shown my entire family. I can not believe that something so positive and genuine can reduce me to tears. They are a little older now then I remember them being, and of course so am I. It would appear that being in the people business may indeed be an awesome way to live your life. It definitely will let you live. 

   For some, the fact you have an ICD will not change the fact they love you! It will not change the fact that some people just flat out care about you, and the time they have with you. The good memories come flooding back, and you have memories of what was. Life is all about memories, and the more positive memories we have the better off we are. I am impressed that all they wanted was to know I was OK, and it seems a visual confirmation was all that it would take. 

 Again, I am the luckiest man on the planet! I do have a lot of support, and I hope you do as well. It would appear that life is not that bad after having gone through this. 

 Keep coming back! 

What we got here is, Failure to Communicate!

   That has to be one of my favorite lines I have ever heard in my life. Another great one is "that which makes you, can also break you" How do these tie in to every day living with an ICD? Well, so far with my experiences it kinda goes a little something like this.....

     If you are fortunate enough for your device to discharge its fury and vengeance upon you, like I have had. When you go to the hospital and get checked out, and spend hours of your day in the ER. Then you may even be admitted to get some new medications, or have existing medications adjusted. Then you may come to the conclusion like I did, that the Doctor will basically say "What we got here is, Failure to communicate". In my case it continued on in my mind any way with "Some men you just can't reach!" Man you just gotta love some of those old movies. Cool Hand Luke was a pretty good older flick. But as it relates to a person and a device, at least in my mind. Perhaps Doctors may need to consider talking to people in terms that normal folks can understand. Instead of You have been selected in psudohedrome studys of macular degeneration of the psudo nuclear reaction of swamp ass gasses floating around the cerebral cortex of Pink Floyd. So what we ARE in Fact going to do about this is, Get in out space alien suits wit 8x10 color glossy pictures with circles and arrows showing the crime scene. Then we are going to drill a hole into your aorta and send a bore scope up I-25 to the 277 exit and do a warp factor 10 slingshot about your spleen and finally into a time travel loop with a cork screw projectile we stab into the lower left ventricle. Say what?

      I may be inclined to better understand something like this. Well what happened to you is you croaked. It took a grand total of 21 attempts to jump start you, because your pump was acting like an 61 Dodge on a brisk January morning. As you can tell, we did get you fired up again, but we know you need a little power in your corner. So we are going to install this jump box into you. No sir, you really do not have a choice, we are going to do it whether you agree or not. While you were unconscious, we were on it like a "Duck on a June bug!"  So something like this is much better understood. If we break it down a bit further it goes something like this. You died, we killed the jump box trying to re start you, and you will receive an outstanding bill for that. We are going to make you a cyborg, and NO you do NOT have a choice. We will install this tomorrow morning! It is simple and to the point. It really leaves no room for discussion at the end. How simple can it be. Do they use the fancy talk to make it seem less harsh then it really is? I am not sure but it drives me nuts.

     I swear they must hit up the wacky weed before they talk to us! And when you are in surgery, they look a lot like this too. Well that could honestly be drug induced. OK, So I agree they could talk in a bit of a manner that can be understood by everyone. " And that's how you get what we had here last night, which is the way he wants it! Well, He gets it!"



      The next one is "That which makes you, can also break you!" I do not remember where I got that line, but it fits a lot of applications. I think it fits this situation as well. Face it, your heart is a pump and without it you are quite finished. So if you break your heart, you will be finished. Similar to if money makes you, when you get canned it will certainly break you! So the thing I now associate that with is, take care of your heart, as its the only one you have. You would thing that they would have come up with a small pump that they could install to keep you going. But it it that we as humans can not exactly adapt to that? I do not know, but it is food for thought. Perhaps even as advanced in technology as we are, we are still in the dark ages. They make huge advances all the time in the medical field. And it would appear that we are on the cutting edge of technology. I have seen some of the older defibrillators and compared to mine, they are huge. It looks like they are about the size of a pack of smokes. I am glad that comparatively mins is very small. It is incredible that they have some of them that do not even need the wire to the heart now as well. How cool is that? The best part is as they get smaller, they also will have a better understanding of how to set them up for fewer misfires. From my point of view, all misfires are a bad thing. But I have to look at it another way as well. I know it works. Damn. I am wondering if it is like a cattle charger for an electric fence, you know, the one with the picture of an upside down cow on it.

   Wow, any rancher would love to have us on hand in the event of a power outage. Here, lick your fingers and hold these two wires until the power comes back on. Well damn. That brings more ideas to mind. Maybe they should have the option for leads to be hanging out of your chest, so when the car has a dead battery you can jump start it. Or maybe when your power goes out, you can still use the flashlight you have been meaning to but batteries for. Perhaps you are a paranormal investigator, the ghosts could use your battery to communicate, One shock for yes, two for no. lol. There are a lot of possibilities, cell phone back up battery, lap top computer etc etc.  OK, well I hope this makes you laugh a little. We all can use it here and there.


   Keep coming back! there is more to come.

Pain, lets you know you are alive! Nightmares make you wish you were not.

  What a rough night! I woke up about every 14 minutes in severe levels of pain. I woke every time grabbing my chest and wanting to scream out and cry. I can not believe sometimes how impossible it becomes to get a good nights sleep. When you have the pain in your chest, I do not think it matters whether it is deep or surface pain, but it will wake you in a panic. I have learned that becoming accustomed to pain is eventually going to be my down fall. If you wake grabbing your chest, it may be in your best interests to wake up and adjust things to eliminate the pain. I find I am so pissed off that I have chest pain, and that I am so convinced that it is my device that I force myself to go back to sleep and ignore it as best I can. How in the hell am I going to continue to live like this? Why does it have to hurt like hell and disrupt such blissful sleep? Why is this happening?

     As this man says in the movie VanHelsing. " I am accustomed to pain"  Yes, it does let you know you are alive! There is nothing like laying in bed and feeling like someone is twisting a knife around in your chest. It makes breathing difficult and you begin to sweat. You lay there grasping your chest, initially you think you are having a heart attack. Your left arm is numb, and the pain in your chest grows. You lay flat on your back, or attempt to sit up and this pulls your chest flat once again and you feel your device lay down again, evening out the pressure over your pectoral muscle. You lay there with water leaking from your eyes, because it hurts so bad. I still am impressed at exactly how bad it does actually hurt at times. I have had serious injuries over the years that did not hurt even close to as bad as this does at times. Usually I can get my mind wrapped around it and just ride it out. Last night was a little different. I have not felt the pain like that before, and I really do not care to have that again. How is it that when you wake grabbing your chest that you can be silent? How is it that the pain in ones chest can be so unbearable that it wakes you in agony, yet we are still able to keep our cool and not wake our loved ones? How is it that something that has been an internal part of you for a couple years can still inflict that kind of pain? It is days like this that you really contemplate having the nerves severed. I refuse to have that done simply because I maintain the thought that this ICD is not permanent.

     What I wouldn't give to sleep like this once again! I do not know about you, but when I have chest pain I have screwed up dreams as well. I find it impressive that I can be dreaming of gardening and twist it into pain. I can pluck a radish out of the ground, and as I clean it it develops a bulge in what I assume is its chest. Then it grows a face and begins screaming. It appears that electrical currents start arching out of the bulge in its chest, then  the ICD comes tearing its way through the skin, clawing and digging it's way out. It turns and grabs the wire and tugs, pulls and yanks until the wire starts to pull through the skin. The wire rips its way across the bulge and suddenly stops. The ICD positions it's self and gives a final heave and the wire comes out, still attached to a pulsing piece of flesh, I assume this represents a piece if the heart. Then I wake grasping my chest and feeling the pain and how severe it is. But silently dealing with it so I do not wake loved ones. I wonder how much longer I can handle this? Is this the beginning of my decent into madness? At times I truly do wonder. I wonder how long it takes the pain to break me down enough to where I really can't focus enough to hold down a job? I wonder if it is something that is eventually going to land me on disability? There are so many questions I have about what is happening, and what I get when I ask the question is a vague answer. There should be counseling in place to deal with the questions of patients with ICD implants. There needs to be a way of having them be pain free, so one does not fear the device. The mental tolls at time become quite large. But this is life. Life does not stop because I have nightmares, it still continues on. Life does not stop, I still have to support my family, I still have to function. No matter how bad it hurts to move my arm, I still have responsibilities. I must move forward and not dwell on my pain. I wonder what lesson this is trying to teach me, should everything happen for a reason. What is the message, and once I learn it will the pain and nightmares subside?  

     One of my favorite Happy Place pictures. From the movie Happy Gilmore. I try to spend some time in my happy place when I have no\nightmares, but somehow the pain will twist those thoughts as well. I do not know if there is any cure. A tranquil island has its dangers as well, and your mind will make it so you cant find peace. I suppose the only thing to do when this happens is to get up and take a Tylenol or something and ride it out. Maybe watch a funny movie, or if you are brave enough a scary one. I suppose it will depend on your tastes as an individual. 

 Keep coming back! More to come.

SEX and an ICD

        Caution: Readers 18 and older, Not intended for children. OK, so maybe 21 and older. This does contain some sort of adult descriptions.

      As I stated before, today's blog entry is about sex. I will try to keep it clean but there are really no guarantees. So here we go.

     One day you are normal and able to have sex anywhere any time and any place, for the most part at any rate. Then something changes, you wake up in the ICU and then you get your ICD installed and a few weeks later your mind returns to sorta normal. So you begin thinking about sex once again. Now if you have read your owners manual, ( I wish Babies came with one) It states that sexual activity is OK. It does provide you with some cautionary statements as well, like if your device goes off while you are having relations your partner is going to know all about it. Hummm you think? From experience, when the thing goes off and you are brushing your teeth, you almost jam that tooth brush out the back of your head, and you spit tooth paste all over the ceiling and mirror. Every muscle in your body tightens up and your mind shuts down. Nah, I can keep that a secret.. lol Right?! Oh and the next time it went off, through no voluntary action of my own, I tried to crawl into my underwear drawer. So yes I can keep this a secret. So the thoughts from here turn to basic knowledge of electricity and the thoughts of a stark raving mad evil scientist mind. So what we got here is the signs of a sick, sick mind. I think the sudden bursts of High Voltage through the mind amplify this, I have proof as well. In a recent study on laboratory rats, it was discovered that sudden bursts of electricity to the brain from both internal and external device's caused lunacy. This study has been conducted in a controlled environment, and produced the following results. The 40 specimens tested through the application of a device known as and AED, Automated External Defibrillator, showed signs of increased paranoia and evil activity increased along the frontal lobe and the cerebral cortex. The 40 specimens subjected to implanted device shocks displayed an almost instant paranoid schizophrenia upon initial shocking, followed by a deep dive into the need to execute evil and inhumane tortures onto others. The 40 control subjects given placebo exhibited no signs of any increased evil activity. Thus resulting in the approval for human private sector testing. The subject: Steven Bunker. Start of test Sept 2 of 2011.

     Typical male subject, unsuspecting and will have no disclosure. Device implant was successful and testing will begin. So again I was reading the owners manual, and it says that your partner will feel it if it goes off during relations. So the basics of electricity would suggest if you are a male {with an ICD} and female {without an ICD} the basic idea is the electricity travels through the male body, rendering initial victim mindless. (install video camera) The High voltage of electricity travels through the male body, and leaves initial victim through whatever point on contact is available. Thus entering the female both Vaginally and through easy button. This stimulation will initially force secondary victim to spontaneously orgasm, setting the following events into motion. Male victim appears dead while this is happening for a point of reference. Turrets however is fully engaged and the female thinks its dirty talk. As the electricity travels through the female body, while she is unsuspecting in orgasmic bliss like never before experienced. The shock hits her brain and shorts out all voluntary and conscious motion and thought. Female victim is now fully engaged in Turrets or dirty talk now as well. Their lifeless body's lay entwined in a pretzel looking vomitous  mass on the floor. It appears that the camera now has body fluids splashed across the lens so we can no longer see what is happening. But the audio is scary. The turrets has stopped and the zombie noises have begun. It seems as though the male subject is up and screaming OMG! the female is starting to come around now as well and she is screaming and calling the male a rotten mother grabbing bastard. Face it folks, it probably would have been better for him to have called out her best friends name. The sounds emanating from the room are unbearable. The test is conclusive, two victims for the price of one.

     The visual may be slightly different then pictured, but I will leave that to your imagination. This is where the evil thoughts come in. I have already had thoughts of licking my finger and sticking it in a persons ear and waving a magnet over my device to shock the ever lovin shit out of some jerk offs I have encountered since. But I am on a whole different level now. I am thinking do I really want to put my wife through the possible trauma that this may cause. Then you start thinking of other scenarios as well. I am already traumatized and afraid that my device will go off because of a cough or sneeze or if I jump to high or skip rope or fall over Etc. But now I am an evil scientist and have the thoughts and curiosities of  what may happen. Yes I know I have a screwed up mind. So I am still on the same page in the owners manual and I start laughing and the wife asks me what is so funny. I am telling her what it says and then I go off into my fantasy world of explanations. I am a young man, and this is how that goes. You start thinking about what happens if a lady was giving you oral pleasures and it went off. OMG! Are you gonna loose that part she has in her mouth? Or is her head gonna explode like in the movie Scanners? Or is she just gonna freak out when her mind resets? IDK, but the evil part of me wants to find out. What happens if it goes off during ejaculation? Are my testicles going to shoot out like a cannon ball out of a cannon? Is her head gonna pop off and bounce off the wall? Does it mean I now have a fire shooting squirt gun? Oh look I could hit her from 3,000 ft. I don't have to get off the ground to be a member of the mile high club. LMFAO.   I can not believe how twisted my mind gets on crap like this. So the score before was man 0, Vibrator 1   Is this a reversal in the score? Is this actually the secret weapon? Is this going to be the latest rage in sex? 

   Well damn I may be some sort of an anomaly, maybe even a party toy. lol. When the ladies figure out what I have got, there will be no rest. OK, I know, back to reality. So while I am thinking of all the potential "side effects" and exactly how I would not want to traumatize my wife like that, I am a guy and I should actually find out what happens. So I start thinking maybe I need to find some unsuspecting young lady to experiment on. So the thoughts continue, You could see what exactly happens if it goes off during relations. Car sex, so you meet some unsuspecting partner and you get all hot and bothered and start pursuing sex in confined areas. You engage in activity and you are having a great time. Now what happens next? You are about to orgasm, being safe and wearing a condom, so the only point of contact is her easy button against your lower abdomen. What will actually happen? Is there going to be a blue ark of electricity between the two of you? Is she going to scream? Is nothing really going to happen to her at all? OMG! What is going to happen?  You notice your heart rate is very fast, and in the heat of the moment you are about to have that big O and the nuclear warhead in your chest goes off. Are you now looking out of your new sunroof? Is she Dead? Do you have burn marks on your lower abdomen where you were actually making contact? Did her head pop off or did you blast her whole body out of the car? Is this illegal? Well I wish I could answer this question for you. What I can tell you is that I am actually paranoid to find out. I am so scared of setting off my device when I am conscious that I may never know what happens. I know this however, I do love my wife and would not want to traumatize her in any way shape or form. But I have the personality and character that my mind would not hesitate to traumatize some unsuspecting woman. Its really sad I know, but I think that is where the evil scientist takes over. I love my wife and only want the best for her and my family. 

     It is enough to drive you insane! What happens? Maybe you are having a make out session and kissing passionately and twisting tongues and getting a feel in, the box ignites and she has a permanent hand print on her from where you hand was, and her mouth wont close any more? Maybe She doesn't feel a thing except that you bit off her tongue or nipple and you are going to be sued for mental anguish and do some time for physical mutilation. I mean what exactly does happen? Do you have to disclose legally and sign waivers that is was voluntary and the partner was aware you have a potentially lethal device in your chest? How seriously would it traumatize your partner? Are you going to have to visit them at the mental hospital? Would it be considered malicious? Well I honestly have no damned idea. Do I want to find out? Oh yes I do! So on the chance it would really mess some one up, Thoughts from a male perspective would be to find the bitchiest woman possible and when it goes off, I would not feel so bad about it. LOL. Maybe it would cure the bitchy attitude or even make her a sweet woman. You would actually be doing the world a favor. Am I the only one that has these thoughts? Well, I am confident that I am not the only one that has thoughts like this. I figured out that I am actually pretty normal. So I would think a lot of people out here are wondering what exactly happens. At this time it is pure speculation. A warning for the bitchy girls out there though, best aught to straighten up and be nice, or you may be the victim of experimentation.

    Well maybe I am just cruel. I really don think so, but I am like a kid with a tazer. I want to pull it out of its box and light some unsuspecting person up with it and see what happens. Will I be disappointed? Will it be everything I hoped it would be? I kinda think it would be exactly like sea monkeys, nothing like the pictures on the box. But one could hope. Maybe its just the thrill, and desire for knowledge. Maybe it is the cure all for sex being a race. From whoever gets there first wins, to just go till the box goes off and we both win. Condoms may be a moot point, because the power of the device contracting muscles would surely blow holes in the condom. What if it made that thing like a damned flame thrower too? A whole new meaning to "HOT" ladies and gents. The possibilities seem to be endless. Maybe it goes off and your lady friend is now carrying a 40 year old man full term? I never thought I could fit in my underwear drawer either. Just think about it. LOL. Then again maybe its so damned good your lover brings magnets with them to bed to be sure the shock happens. Then the rumor spreads and you will be in bed all the time. Strange how things like that can turn out to be a fad or trend. Perhaps this edition made you laugh, and perhaps it would be worth writing more on this subject. The thought is, life does not stop, and we should try to continue to live and enjoy things. There are however certain things that take a while to over come. Sex so far is a challenge, at least for me it is. I am torn on how to really approach it.

 I hope my next entry is a lot sooner then they have been over the last couple weeks. I think this is beneficial and I enjoy it. I did go back to work selling cars for the time being, and perhaps that is where I stay. Should be testing out in my GED in a couple weeks, as I now have to schedule it around a job. I hope all goes very well. 

   Keep coming back! I am sure there is more of this to come.

 

It is amazing what can happen if you try!

    So I have been doing tests all week so far. I have taken my sales license test and wiz quizzes and personality tests. Why the hell do they test for all of this crap? They do a background check to see if you are  a felon.  They check your credit to see how screwed up you are financially, so they can determine if you are going to rip them off, or whatever else. They check you pee to be sure you are not an engineer. They say drugs, but engineers are on serious drugs so it's an engineer test. Seriously how else can you explain what engineers come up with? I say it's all about the hallucinations. Then they give you an open book test to see if you can comprehend the laws, good idea I suppose. But what are you doing? You are going to be selling people cars. Yes you do have to have a certain mentality to do this. It is in fact the hardest form of sales you will ever do. Everyone absolutely hates you when they walk on the lot. If they get a great deal they hate you even more, and will burn you down on the survey. Regardless, to make any money, you do need to make friends quickly and convince them to give you a 100% A+ score on the survey. Anything less then an A+ and you can be terminated. You usually get brow beat on a daily basis and you have to wear a got damned shirt and tie in the heat of 100 degree days. Well, I am good at it, so game on! One of these days I will sell only used cars and I will pretty happy. Why used you ask? Well, here is the thing with used cars. There is really no such thing as a new car.

    For instance this is a 2013 Mini Cooper, it is a well built car and definitely one of my favorites! It is exceptionally well built and it is so much fun to drive. Compared to the 1st gen Mini it is huge, but it is in fact a tiny car. But look at the design and details of this car. I say it is appealing to the eye and it looks sporty and fun. If you get the "S" model it's  a quick little bastard as well. It will stop on a dime, and it holds turns like it is on rails. What a fun little car to drive and own. But it is only "new" for a moment.

    Now this one is a 2008 Mini Cooper and it for all practical purposes looks identical. But check this out. this car is $10,000 dollars less then the new one to start with. It still drives the same, and it still a fast lil mo fo and it's fun to drive. It has a lower payment and is easier to afford. When you buy it, there is no instant transformation to a used car. There is no initial depreciation hit from hell on it, and it still looks like a new car.   With the car fax and some general basic inspection, you know it has not been in an accident, and it is not advertised as a rebuilt from salvage vehicle. Oh that's right, warranty, I have to have a warranty. Well they do sell bumper to bumper warranty's for reasonable money, you  can add to the vehicle. I do recommend these if you buy used. So eliminate the warranty factor, and what are you left with? A new car smell, and you are the only person to have driven it. Oh wait, it has a few miles on it, how did that happen? They didn't push it around to get the miles on it, yes they in fact drove it. So you are just paying for the smell. Well, there are some people that do enjoy a new car, and there always will be. I just prefer to deal with used myself. Here is why. You, the consumer save a lot of money. You do not take the depreciation hit, and you can keep a late model vehicle in the driveway that most people assume is new. It still gives you the same look, and the same excitement factor as a new car. Why? Because it is in fact "new" to you. It really is an emotion the "new" feeling. In a vehicle it is the transition from an MSO to a Certificate of title that really defines between new and used. 1500 Miles at the lot and it makes the same transition. So when you buy used, you are happy, your wallet is happy and your salesman is happy. It is truly a win win situation. 

    So enough of that rant. Well the above picture is of a Giraffe mail box me and the family made. I say it came out fantastic, and it's adorable as well. Today is really about new beginnings, I am turning the page on the last chapter in my life, and I really do not care to look back on some of it. The page is career, and I am moving forward, even though its a step to the left. I probably should have stayed in the car business, but all things happen for a reason and I think I get why I went the route I did. I know now that I would not be here if I had stayed in the car business over the last four years. The things that were in place for me when I died were not in place at the dealerships I was at. So I now know the reason why I went through the struggles I did, to wind up where I was. What does the Giraffe have to do with it? If I didn't make it, that Giraffe in the picture would not exist! Maybe it is really pretty stupid, Maybe that is how you look at that picture. Maybe it seems trivial to most of you. I know before I died, I would have thought so. I know before I died, I took an awful lot of things for granted. So my daughter Haley drew the template, and I cut out the pieces and assembled them. Then several coats of bright yellow paint later I have an unusual looking yellow thing. My Wife and two daughters made it what it is from there. Yes if you want one we do make them. Just message me and I will fill you in on what it takes. The point to this being, we do not know what exactly we affect. It may be something as simple as a cute mail box coming into existence. It my be that we affect someones life, like our children or spouses and other family. It appears that through Sudden Cardiac Death, and an Implantable Cardiac Defibrillator that we do still have value. We do indeed have a purpose in life, what that may be I do not know. Maybe I was just supposed to make a cute mailbox with help from others. Maybe you were just supposed to be there for someone else today. There are endless possibilities. 

     I know I am here for these people. Maybe you are here for those that love you as well. I know without these people I am really nothing. I know that I am beginning to enjoy certain aspects of my life that I have never enjoyed before. I know that I would rather talk with people ever day, then stand in a dingy shop grinding metal and assembling heavy equipment. I know I am destined for great things, and I am going to have nice things as well. What that means is do not give up on your dreams. Dreams are what help keep us going. They push us towards achieving our goals and they keep us young. OK, that's a lie, they probably are what make us old, like kids. LOL.  I know if you are not happy in your career, that will make you old as well. So do not hate your salesman, and enjoy life. Buy used and save some dough, and avoid getting shocked by electrical pulses charging through your body.

     Having to have an ICD, you say Sucks! I say it Sucks too! I also say the problem as to why we have these ICD's has a huge suck factor to it as well. I often wonder what I may have done differently to have avoided this. I maybe should have taken care of my body better. Oh, here is a novel idea, there is nothing I can do about the past. The only form of possible control I do have is over the choices I make now. I choos to enjoy life, I choose to exercise and become healthier. I choose to not dwell in my mind on my pitty pot about having a box in my chest. I choose to inform as many people as I can about my situation in the hopes it will help others with theirs. I choose to continue my life, and be here for quite a while yet. I choose to not let this beat me. So the fact is, the situation sucks. The fact is maybe I brought this on myself. The fact is perhaps I can live now. The fact is now I try. I do enjoy the comments that I get from everyone. I look forward to any and all comments and can't wait to read them when they arrive. 

    The next subject will be discussing the fears of sex with an ICD. This could be entertaining and any input from outside sources on this subject would be fantastic! I will try to keep it a clean as I can. No guarantees! 

   Tune in to the next episode... 

  Keep coming back, and please continue to comment, follow my blog, add me to circles too if you like. Lets have some fun with a serious situation! We do deserve a good laugh! Sorry about the editing as my proof reader is tied up for the last few days.

Job search is coming to a close.

    So over the last few weeks I have been studying my butt off in an attempt to get my GED. I am so close it is scary ,only about 150 pages of math left. Then I should be ready to bang out the tests. A graduate at 43, it is an accomplishment I have been needing to do for many years. This will open new doors for me and allow me to live at some point. So during this time I have been on the job hunt as well. I have been applying to jobs via the internet and getting some response, but not the desired amounts. So yesterday I went out to a couple of dealerships and put in some applications. It was nice to see some old friends as well. People I have worked with in the past and were happy to see me. I have a couple of offers on the table, and am currently waiting for background checks to come back. From there it would appear I will be selling cars again. It has been an interesting journey to arrive back at a cor lot. I always enjoyed selling cars in the past, and I would anticipate that it will be fun to do so once again. The stress of selling for a commission only position again is strange, but I do hope I will be as good if not better then before. Things have changed a lot in my absence from the car lots, as most people research on the internet before stepping on to a car lot now.  The people are a lot more educated and it would appear internet pricing is the price now. There is a bit of reprogramming I will need to do right away to my mind to become successful at this again. I am sure it will be a positive experience once again. I am really looking forward to putting on my shiny shoes again. I am realistically pretty happy about going back to sales, just wish I had a safety net. As a father and husband with every conceivable bill a guy could have, it does stress you out a bit.

For those of you that never saw the movie Used Cars I highly recommend it. Just bear in mind its an older movie now. If you don't laugh, then check your pulse. That movie had not been out long when I did my first car lot gig back in the mid eighties at Leo Payne Volkswagen on west Colfax in Lakewood Co. The dealership has closed and several others have come and gone in that building since. But I remember being a lot guy there, and all the shenanigans that used to go on there that were similar to the one in the movie. It was flat out amazing to me that stuff like that could actually happen at a place of business. It was absolutely incredible, and a ton of fun. One of the memories I have of that lot was a couple of really cute girls came walking by the lot one summer afternoon, and started talking with me and following me around. I was not one to interrupt my work for personal things at that time in my life, and continued working. I had one of them finally grab the chamois I was using and ask me if I wanted her to rub me down with it. Not knowing any better I was about to say sure, when my friend Jeff Benton, one of the sales guys there jumped in and said dude they're hookers. I was always under the impression hookers were not very attractive girls, man was I wrong. I emerged from that day at work a little wiser. I was surprised that professional women would want to be talking to a teenager. But what really surprised me was that it seems like they were my age.  What does this have to do with anything you ask. Well it has to do with life experiences, things that all of a sudden pop into your mind after a life threatening situation. It is impressive how vivid my memories are after my brush with death. But the coolest thing is how random they show up. And how what may have been stressful then, is quite a fond memory now. No I didn't sleep with the hookers. I am relatively confident that one of the sales guys did though. 

     I remember talking with some of the salesmen and managers, they were always bitching about how they used to have the sexy ladies out on the lot on Saturdays, to lure in customers. They used to complain that they couldn't get the same results with the got damn balloons tied to every car, and they needed a better gimmick to get people on the lot. I never got to witness those days, but it seemed like we did pretty well anyway. We always had fun, and they catered in lunch on Saturdays and the cash in fist spiff money was unreal. It was fairly common for a salesman to get 7 or 8 hundred dollars or so in cash money on Saturday nights. Then they would tip the lot guy and go party it up and be broke again on Monday. Things were a lot less expensive then as well. Man the memories that come back are insane. So at any rate the idea behind this is a great movie if you like to laugh. The other idea behind this is the stress of searching is basically over at this point.  I am relieved in a way, and happy to be able to work with some old friends once again. I can't wait to create some fun memories once again in this next chapter in my life. The thing you have to consider however are, not all car lots are fun. There are some real dick heads at most of them that think it should always be serious. There are also those that want to see you fail, and those that are afraid to talk with people. I hope I find my groove again soon. The other things that can go hand in hand on a lot and with an ICD would be Hydration.

    It is so easy to become dehydrated on a car lot it is amazing. I learned this again yesterday, when I was talking to some old friends. We walked around the lot, and I was so dry I went to the bathroom and was impressed I could pee orange marmalade. That is how you know you are dehydrated, you pee jelly. Alright it was definitely closer to dust. So I learned I have to have a nice water source available, and I have to drink a lot of it. I am under the impression that dehydration can get you nuked. I really do not need to get electrocuted because I didn't drink enough. That would not be a good thing in my book. So remember, if you pee and its not clear you are dehydrated. Drink lots of water. It does appear that my adventure in life will be continuing on. I hope to make it as interesting as possible. I am going to do the absolute best I can, and try to put my family into a better position. I am looking forward to all of the things to come. Perhaps I will be able to get my tattoo done before long as well. 

  Have a great day everyone! I will write more a bit later. I am thinking of adding a page of all ICD procedure related things to spread the information. 

Keep coming back.

Vampires really Do Exist!

    Today lesson is on Vampires and night sweats. I was always under the assumption that Vampires were a fictional creature, man oh man, was I mistaken. I remember in my younger days I would go to the hospital with my wife to do the occasional check up when she was pregnant. I remember all the fun toys I would play with when we were in the office waiting for the Doc to come in. I would play with all of it. The big light was always fun as well as the rest of the goody's in the offices. I know for a fact I am not the only one to play with all the fun things in a medical office. OK, maybe not fact, but I am pretty sure. I remember how my wife would tell me to stop playing with things early on, but that soon ended when she realized I was incapable of controlling my curiosities in a doctor's office. So she would sit there calmly and watch, maybe she accepted me as a bigger child. I have found that even when I go to the doctor's office by myself that I have to play with all the fun accessories and torture devices they have. They have to know that people sit in there and play with all their equipment while they wait. Hey you have an appointment at 10:30 AM, get here early so you can do the preliminary paper work. So you get there at 10 to 10:15 AM and wait. They take you back to the examination room at 11:15 or if you are lucky. Then you sit there and wait, this is where the boredom comes into play. Where the hell do doctor's get off being late to every got damned appointment I have ever been to? I do not get that at all. I have to be on time to work, I think they need to be on time to their appointment's as well. Just Saying! So they come in and check you out and decide they need body fluid samples, Oh Joy! So they leave and beckon the Vampires. 

    Now I have seen some Hot Vampires in my time. Even though all they want is my blood.

OK, and here is one for you ladies out here. 

    So in comes the Vampire a while later, sporting pale and cold clammy skin. Hiding behind that doctor's cloak doesn't fool me. But they are always so kind, and they try to talk to you for a minute as the set up their devices of torture. They pull out the tubes and those little tiny needles and start putting contraptions together. They grab the tourniquet and cut off the circulation in an extremity to make the veins pop out a bit. For those of you that have not had all of your veins popped in an emergency situation, this is a fairly simple process. Well, if you are like me your veins have all been collapsed and they really try to hide when they are going to draw blood. So now the vampires are frustrated, and you can see the hunger in their eyes. They stab you any way, and that little tiny needle now feels like it is ten foot diameter. How can that little tiny thing hurt so damned bad? I have had serious injuries that have not hurt as bad as a got damned needle trying to find a vein. I am also under the impression that I get the beginning Vampires as well. Oh, yes the guy in #3 is Bunker, be sure you send the trainee in there to get the samples. You have one that is here for an interview? Even better! Send the job hunter in, let's see how she does under pressure. I swear that is what they do. I have had some real vampires, and they don't look for veins on the top, they feel for the good ones. They have this uncanny sense for where to find your blood, and they whack you and you don't even feel it. Wham Bam were done, they have their samples and lunch and out the door in moments. Can I get lucky that way all the time? Oh, nay nay, I get the newbies. They go for the non existent veins on top, and then they find one. You tell them its a rolling vein, and the bruises just barely cleared up from the last attempt 6 months ago. They say oh, I can get that and bruise the ever lovin shit out of you again. I swear the next one that does that to me I am gonna give em a knuckle sandwich. One thing they do not get is maybe they should listen to the objection before they stab you. Another thing newbies do is fish for the vein. WTF? They stab, that now 50 FT diameter needle in there and twist it around in circles in an attempt to hook the vein. Really? OK, It's my turn jerk off! I wanna grab that needle and poke it in them and wrench it around and see how they like it. Use your damned noodle people. 

    There needs to be some sort of standard with supervision, that if they fish for it, they get fired. That really sucks, the bruise lasts for months, and it hurts like hell. Not just when they are fishing, but for the whole time that bruise is there. So we let the doctors show up late to their appointments, and we let the Vampires abuse us. We are sheep it would appear. Ok, so now you are severely maimed and you have given your samples, they don't even bother to call you and discuss the results with you. I suppose this means everything is normal? I am on medications that tear up a persons liver, I think they should discuss the results with me. On the good side of things, working out a little, and walking have started to make my veins more apparent, and some even poke out again. To me this says, hey buddy keep up the good work. It tells me that my circulatory system is becoming stronger and healthier. It tells me that my heart is getting stronger as well. But I am no Doc. So I just have the information I have read and heard. Maybe I am some sort of whacko, but I am sure that this is hard evidence that my health is improving greatly. 

    So another sign that I am doing better is the Night Sweats. I had the night sweats really bad right after my ordeal. It was horrible, waking up in a pool of water basically. I did not know I had that much liquid in my body, WOW! How miserable is the damned night sweats? Well for those of you who do not know, I will try to describe it a little. Imagine laying in bed, on a hot summer night and you throw the covers on the floor. Then you position the fan to blow directly on you, but it feels like it is a big hair dryer on high. the all of a sudden you go from say 104 degrees to -13 in the blink of an eye. Then it switches back to 104, and then freezes you again. This goes on for hours, and every night. My assumption is, if you have a heart trauma it kicks the rest of your body's systems into chaos. Especially your internal thermostat. I did not know I could sweat when I am freezing to death, its actually pretty interesting. When I discussed this with my nurse, she said I was probably in manopause. With the bit of research I have done, I have found that those with a heart malfunction will get the night sweats. I vote for calling this a malfunction instead of heart disease, I do not feel diseased, and I refuse to believe that I have anything more then a minor malfunction in my electrical system. So I will say that when I read about everyone with heart malfunctions having night sweats it did raise concern in my mind. What I am finding is through exercise and eating my totally crappy diet of tasty things, that my night sweats are subsiding. I still have them, but not as bad as I did even a month ago. It seems that as I get healthier my temperature issues seem to get better as well. I am also finding that my temperature during the day is improving. So for those out here that have this similar question, I say exercise is the key. I pretty much half ass my exercise, so if I can be getting better so can you. I am sure that there are nay sayers out here as well, and those that are still overwhelmed with the onset of their malfunction and seemingly forced issue of a device, I am here to tell you there is HOPE! I am here to say that the medical practice is just that, a practice. Yes, unfortunately we are the guinea pigs or lab rat's. The nice thing is the advances in medical practice and knowledge gets better all the time. The thing to consider is a practice leaves room for error. Error that we take to mean this is what and how it is. We assume that this stuff is all fact. I have this and I can't get better. Well I for one am not buying it! I think that I can get better! I think you can get better! I also think that those that do not have this can avoid it completely. I say that it is going to depend greatly on you and your thoughts. I am one stubborn son-of-a-gun most of the time. I choose to believe that this is not a disease. I choose to use the power of my mind in a positive supportive manner on this subject, and refuse to let this kill me. I also refuse to believe it can inhibit how I want to live. Therefore the only choice is for my body to heal. Perhaps we need more positive thoughts instead of the 'you are sick so live with it crap.' I certainly hope that the rest of you have a strong sense that you can get better too.

   Keep coming back. I am sure there is more of this to come. Don't get too pissed at your Doc and Vampires as they are doing their best to help, and that is awesome! 

Sweet mother of Social Studies!

   So for those of you that have been keeping up with my blog, you know I am working on my GED. Well my mind is spinning, but my studies are progressing well I believe. I have found that I am reading things several times to get a grasp on what things mean. When I was younger I could get a grasp on things considerably easier. Well crap, lets face the facts, a couple of years ago I could have breezed through this. I really think my medications inhibit how I interpret information. I find concentrating on things to still be rather difficult. On a good note my large aquarium has finally cleared up, it has only taken a year and a half. WTF. So even though it appears that some of my skills are suffering, some things just still seem to fall into place. I can not believe that some of this stuff in the GED are so damned difficult, WOW! SO I have been sleeping much better over the last few weeks, but I am still waking up with some chest pain. I suppose that this is going to be the norm for me. Oh and for those of you that have a device, when your kids hug you and dig their chin in and slide down onto the top of your device it hurts like no fliping tomorrow. OMG, I didn't want him to see, but it made dear old dad cry. I swear that was a whole new pain I have never felt before. Dammmmmmit!

   I hope I didn't look like that when it happened, but I sure did feel that way! Of course I feel like that when I sleep and fold that thing up all night too. This is certainly an adventure, not for the faint of heart either. I am amazed at how much my memory seems to be clouded up, and it drives me crazy. I just hope I am going to retain most of this information for another week or two. Then I am going to have to enroll into college and get busy with a Bachelors Degree. It would appear that you can not succeed without some college education. I still  do not know what I want to be when I grow up! What? I am grown up? When did that happen? The joys of life. The good news is that my pain goes away fairly quickly, and I am sure its nothing. My wife forces me to walk about every night, and the smoke in the air has dissipated so I can breathe on our walks. The fires seem to be getting contained, and the people in the Black Forest are returning to their homes. At least those that were fortunate enough to not have theirs burned down. I feel for those people, but we as humans need to know mother nature does tend to clean house. She doesn't care if we approve or not. The best part is it looks like she is done. Now the trees can reproduce and the land is fertile once again. It will be glorious and fresh and heal well. The houses can be rebuilt and everyone will be happy once again. 

    It will be creepy for a while, but what you do not see in this picture is all the new life starting to emerge from the forest floor. It really won't be long until the luster of the forest has returned. What people should be grateful for is that they are still alive. The same thing that I am grateful for! I am grateful I am still alive, and I can listen to the warnings of not breathing in the smoke. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to be getting my GED, even though I am sure my medications have a cloud through my mind. I am grateful that I can still enjoy the warmth of the sun on my back, and the cool breezes as they blow by and rustle the leaves in the trees. I am grateful I am still able to despise the gusts of wind as well. I am grateful I am still here and have the privilege of living in a small town. I am grateful that I have to bathe my dog's tomorrow because they stink to high hell and I have no clue as to why. I am absolutely about to puke my guts out sitting next to them at the moment. I am scared that puking may get me shocked though, and I really do not need that. The things we used to hate, now have a new fear associated with them. I am hoping that it is just paranoia. Coughing, sneezing and puking are just a few. The best part of life today is I am 600 pages closer too my GED. I am one step closer to finally having a real career that pays me well, and has a lot less of the crap to go along with it. I am one step closer to having what I desire in an education and a career. I will be successful at this even with a cloud in my mind. I wish you all the best. I will write again tomorrow. I hope you all have a great evening! 

   Keep coming back. Getting used to this is a group effort! I hope it is helping some of you. I think just writing about some of this i helping me as well. 

  

Dealing with the Stress!

   I have been pretty tied up the last few days, and I am not really sure how. I have been studying my butt off, and applying for employment. I am sure that there is something out there that will be the perfect fit for me. I am just not so sure what that fit is yet. I had an interview at a supplemental insurance company yesterday, I am not sure now is the time for that risk. The potential earnings with that are outstanding however. One day I am a pipeline type of pump mechanic, and the next I am contemplating sales once again. How interesting is that. I have heard rumor that most people change careers 3 or more times in their lives. I just do not have the nest egg to allow for a long spell of little to no money. How do people do it? I have no clue as to how people are able to save up and have the money to coast for a while. It is absolutely mind boggling to study, job hunt, and interview all at the same time. I am as busy as I have ever been, but not in a normal manner.

   If I had a desk, I am sure it would look just like this at the moment. So here it is, just after 4 AM and I am here writing in my blog. I woke with some chest pain this morning, but I am sure its from the stresses of trying to do too much. Stress as far as I understand is a killer. It contributes to how you feel, and how you deal with situations. When I was a young man, I was under the impression that my mom had suffered a stress related heart attack. Stress can wreak havoc in you life and dreams. Stress makes it incredibly difficult to focus and concentrate as well. Oh, look at the pretty birds in my front yard! I am so hungry I think I would like a couple of eggs with some toast. Then you toss in the ADD on top and you have a deluxe tossed salad with a nice dripping glop of stress dressing on top.  I am not sure myself how being busy, doing nothing but spinning my wheels in the mud can wear me down so bad. It does tend to take its toll on you. I am in good spirits, and have woke pretty happy for the last few days. I have always been a good salesman, and know I can walk into just about any automobile dealership in the state and land a job. I have a second interview today with the insurance company but am not sure if I can stay calm and preform under the gun like this. I am going to complete my GED and I know that will open a few more doors for me. 

   Overall I am so impressed I have not lost my mind at this time. I have been remaining positive and upbeat. I have gotten to spend some time with my family and am in great spirits. But that does not change the fact that I am in need of getting back to work. I am in need of finding something that is going to be kind to my body, and allow me to have a nice work / life balance. I have always been a man with a great work ethic. Well, that would be because I have really never had any other choice. I have always had that non stop, go get it done attitude. It is flat out impressive that I do not have a nice nest egg tucked away at this point in my life. How do you literally work yourself to death and have no future? How do you work yourself to the point you have missed your family growing up and have no coasting room? Why do we do this to ourselves? What part of the big picture am I not catching here? I have changed most of my evil ways, and yet I still suffer. If everything happens for a reason, then what is that reason now? I have been here before and its really getting old to keep repeating the same old same old lessons, It really does not make me feel any better that I have a twist of death on top, like some sort of big fat custom mad sundae. Here you go. two scoops of cheap chocolate ice cream, a scoop of strawberry and some mint chocolate chip. We added the nuts and sprinkles and just for you we dribbled it in.. No, not hot fudge.. But liquid Death! You should love it sir! Its thick and creamy like fudge, but it does leave an interesting aftertaste with a nifty pasty coating you cant exactly scrape off. We hope you enjoy it! What the hell did I do to deserve this?

   It does look delicious, So you take a nice big old spoon full when you realize that you were served a big old fat juicy dog shit sundae! OK, things not to search the web for. Big fat nasty sundaes and dog shit sundaes, I am scarred for life after that. WOW! That was nasty, who would have thought. So while I am sitting here with a mouth full of DSS, I wonder where exactly I have gone wrong? What have I done with my life? Why am I being served fecal matter sundaes over and over? The conclusion I have come up with is this. I do not have enough stress in my life, so we have found a way to serve up some more. The only real memories I do have in the last 20 years are from movies, so I need to learn to live a little. I have no clue as to what I really enjoy doing so this is difficult. I need a better life work balance, so I can entertain the idea of living. I have found that the reasons behind this shit sundae are sound. I have found that I lack the foundation to build upon to attain this. So I am in the basement trying to build a foundation, while holding up an existing building. Will I be successful? That is in fact a very difficult question to answer. Stress causes chest pain, so I think stress sucks. I do not find chest pain debilitating, in case you are wondering. I find Back pain debilitating, and will discuss that later. So the foundation as I perceive it is my GED. The building is the life I have built so far, and I refuse to let it go. I am a pig headed stubborn mo fo too so I will die trying to maintain what I do have. Back to the question at hand, will I be successful? I can spend all day dissecting this question. I can analyze it and scrutinize it until the cows come home and more.  

   Here is the answer. I have decided that I am not going to let stress kill me and or set off my ICD. I have decided that I am going to pursue my GED and open new doors. I will maintain my household and install my foundation without destroying what I have built. Life is too damned short to sit here stressing out about everything that can possibly go wrong. I have decided I have been going about life totally wrong. I have always wanted but never had weekends off like "normal" people. I have never known what it is like to have a life and work balance. The stress  it causes is unacceptable and I no longer wish to swim in a cesspool of stress. It is time to move forward and enjoy the fruits life has to offer. There is a glorious future out there for me. There is time to live and learn. There is time to do what I want to do. I will have my buddy to follow along inside my chest to be sure I survive to the next chapter in my life as well. If I stay positive about things, I am supposed to realize a positive result. That is what the laws of attraction state. Is it real? I am going to find out!

 Sorry about the editing at this point of the day, the editor is still in bed watching the insides of her eye lids. I am glad she is here for my support! I hope you have someone to support you as well. When life throws lemons at you I say dodge! 

Keep coming back! More adventures to come!