Days following My First Shock...

 I can't tell you exactly how nerve racking the shocks can be. I can say this, it is exactly like nothing you have ever felt before in your entire life. It is not friendly at all, and you'r mind is going to go absolutely bat shit afterwards. I suppose this is what will define you'r experiences with your device. Over the next few days, OK month or so. I started to go through what I am going to call a dark downward spiral. My mind would not shut down. I may have gotten a total of 2 hours of sleep over the next month. I could feel my sanity leaving and was totally out of control and at my alternate personality's mercy. I was swelling with anger and thoughts of self destruction. No not suicide if that's what you are thinking. But ways to create pain and trauma to relieve my mind of the insanity I am now finding is a new reality for me.

This is a picture of me a couple of hours after the device was implanted. My staple diet of Eggs! mmm

   I really do not know if my wife had noticed my behavior change since the shock, or if it was gradual. All I could think about was how it felt, it played over and over in my mind. I could not concentrate on anything. I would think to myself, what the fuck did I do to deserve that? I would go over it and dissect what had happened. I was trying to move into a safer position at work while this was going on in my mind. Definitely not the most opportune time to be having mental issues. They must have thought I was insane. I was attempting to learn a computer system at work, SAP and move into an office position to help eliminate the possibilities of being shocked by an external source. I decided at this time as well that texting was the preferred method of talking to people and tried to only talk with people on the phone via text. Sadly enough that is really something I have tried to maintain. Most people with ADD will just be distracted by something during a conversation. Like, hey Bob how the hell, Oh look a squirrel. For me it has become like a movie in my mind at this point. Hey Bob, then the video starts playing of watching myself get shocked. With theme music playing as well. Shock the Monkey of all things.. Go Figure. But this is where I discover how powerful the mind really is. Because its not just a video playing on the big screen in my mind, but the sound track is awesome and overwhelmingly loud. It is so loud it makes the movie theater pale in comparison. I can hear every breath I take, every heart beat, the trickle of blood as it races through my veins.  Those I was talking to were muted out. I am in the depths of my mind and quite simply not capable of even preforming simple tasks. I can feel the pain in my body as the device delivers its payload directly to my heart and the pain in every muscle as the shock wave travels through my body. this is going on with me 24,hours a day. Over and over, the movie never stops. The sound gets louder and louder, and the ability to focus on anything is now, for all practical purposes gone. Oh Look, a Squirrel..

   
 
   When this is going on in your mind, you loose touch with reality and rather quickly I may add. I also learned, at this time, that I am very good at covering up how I feel and what is going on with me. I do not know if this is a good thing or not. I am struggling with the simplest of things, having issues even putting my pants on in the morning. My balance is pretty well shot, I have stopped exercising all together and I am gaining weight like no tomorrow. Dammmmit!! Food just tastes so good now!It is flat out incredible. I am eating anything and everything that I see. Not one damned thing I am eating would be considered heart healthy either. Oh, I am not on a heart healthy diet, whoo hoo bring it on! I used to despise Ham, Turkey and lots of other things. Now Ham is, OMG tasty delicious get it away from me or I will eat that whole Mo Fo!!! Turkey on the other hand has become even more distasteful to me. But everything else is very tasty, even ramen noodles. How can those nasty thing possibly taste good?

   The Doc tells me I need to start talking with a psychiatrist to help me get my mind back on right. Well at least as right as it can get for me. He also tells me I should look into getting a dog. I am like great, I am good with that, but my wife on the other hand is gonna loose her mind when I bring this up. It is now may, 2012, and I am sure I have screwed up the possibilities of being considered for the position at work. I am not made of money so I am talking to a company sponsored  headshrinker on the phone when I am on my way home from work. I am amazed with my concentration levels that I have not crashed my car yet. I do not even have an interest in naked ladies at this point and am still just freaking blah! I decide to to go to the bar and tie one on. I went to the Celtic Pub in Parker, had a lot too much to drink and overall just had a blast. I was really stupid, drank 7-11 out of coffee and walked around Parker CO for a while, sobering up. I get home, and I go to bed. I did drink a ton of water so I figure I am OK, I go to bed. The movie starts playing in my mind again, this really sucks! But the sound is awesome, and the picture is astounding! I get up in the morning and am not feeling so well. Not hung over either, more like dehydrated. Oh well, I suppose I will go brush my teeth. I have the weekend off..

   
   So I am standing in front of my bathroom sink, getting ready for the day. I start brushing my teeth and I had put on my chest strap heart monitor watch. I am watching my rpm in the mirror and I see the tachometer hit 199. I am a race car in the red, not good! In slow motion it clicks over to zoo in the mirror, it registers in my mind as 200 rpm, then 201 and Whammo! I get my ass handed to me! It felt like I jammed the tooth brush out the back of my head. There was tooth paste on the top of the mirror, and I am fairly confident it was all over my ceiling as well. Now that is impressive, as I have vaulted ceilings up stairs in the bedrooms and master bath, so my ceiling is 12 or 14 ft high. The wife comes around the corner and asks what happened and I tell her as my mind comes back on line I just got shocked. The smell of burned hair has filled my sinus and I am just extremely upset at this point. And I am weaving a new tapestry of profanity and thinking to myself, You know you deserved that right! You went out and partied it up, had a great time and you need to know that you have limits now. You are no longer ten foot tall and bullet proof. So I wallow in self pity for the rest of the day, lay on the couch and try to watch TV and my wife looks pretty sad when she looks at me.

   I know she is scared and all. I am not able to comfort her and let her know it will be OK, because I am sure that my demise is inevitable at this point. I spend all day on the couch, and then we go to bed and I get up and spend the entire next day on the couch as well. Not because I don't want to do anything, but because I am scared out of my mind. We go to bed and I get up on Monday morning and begin getting ready for work. I have the shower running and I came over on my side of the bed to get my socks and underwear. I was digging in my drawer when...

    I got flat out NUKED! This was not nice and gentle like that last two times. I remember thinking to myself just before my mind shut off, I was coddled and sheltered the last two times this rotten mother fucker went off! I mean I flat out have been coddled, snuggled and babied before. Good bye, and out go the lights. I remember as I was coming around, the pain in every one of my muscles was absolutely unbelievable.  'What happened' kept running through my mind, and I seem to remember being slumped limp and lifeless into my underwear drawer. I am speaking in tongues that are strange to me when my mind has finished turning back on. I bit my tongue but not too bad, and thank god once again, I had just finished going to the bathroom moments before. I go turn off the shower, called and left a message for my Doc, and called in sick to work. I tell my wife as I hop back into bed, that I will not be going to work. I am extremely bent out of shape and in an extremely bad bad mood now too. I am not a happy boy over this. Laying in bed reflecting on the events of the morning foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog and thinking its over!


   The worst part about this whole thing so far is that most people with SCD pass out before their device will fire. I have not had this luxury so far. I know being awake and conscious for the full brunt of the devices therapy and regulation creates PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Believe me, Passing out would be the best way to endure what we go through.





Thanks for reading. More to come. Keep coming back!