The fear of sleeping!

   We do tend to take the simple things for granted, at least I sure do! I am guilty of being able to sleep with my eyes open and carry on a conversation. I so used to enjoy going to bed and being able to wake the following day rested and recharged. I remember the distant bliss, I remember that it does not seem so long ago.I remember coming home from work and flopping into bed and being able to sleep in any position. I never used to snore, though I did talk in my sleep. According to my wife I was able to carry on an intelligent conversation. She said it was pretty difficult to tell I was sleeping, but just some subtle out of context replies would give it away. We had a room mate many years ago, that had come home and I understand was talking with me for a bit. She asked him who he was talking to and he told her it was me. I was sitting up on the couch, eyes wide open and she laughed and said, Nope he is asleep. Kyle looked at me and I think I recall my wife saying all he said was "that's creepy!" I remember what it was like to wake startled to my alarm clock because I would sleep so sound. I probably could have slept through a tornado or an earthquake at that time in my life.

   Oh sleep where oh where have you gone? I used to enjoy letting you whisk me away and keep me for as long as possible. I am amazed that once you have an issue, and you get prescription medications, that you can no longer sleep. You so want to get more then ten or fifteen minutes of that now untouchable rest. You do everything you possibly can to get comfortable and it is near impossible to achieve. The ICD that is there to save my life and shock my heart back into a normal rhythm is always in just the wrong spot. When I lay on my left side its almost like I fold the ICD up and it stands almost straight out of my chest. when I lay on my back it has pressure on the nerves that I understand are directly beneath it. I roll on my right side and that does not feel natural to me for a restful position. I have tried my stomach as well, to discover that its like stacking extra weight upon my ICD. Oh man, what am I going to do? I am wondering if I will ever get true restful sleep again. I have also discovered that since I have had the ICD implant done that I have the night sweats pretty bad. When it is above 40 degrees out side I try to have my window open so I do not lay in a wet spot all night. My wife used to be the hot one, sleeping with the windows open and it would usually get me sick, or upset or both. I always used to be the cold one, and always had the covers up over my head and  could not stand to have the windows open all night unless it was 75 degrees or more outside. The shoe is on the other foot now it would appear. The sad part about having the sweats now is I still tend to wrap myself in the covers and that just adds to the discomfort.

   The worst part about the whole sleeping with an ICD in my chest is this. When I am able to sleep, though its generally only moments at a time, I tend to get my ICD all twisted in my chest, it feels. I will wake in excruciating pain. I do not know if I have woken my wife much or not, but some times I do wake gasping for air and grabbing my chest. It is absolutely incredible that such an smooth object that is so small can cause so much discomfort. My Electro Physiologist and his Nurse Practitioner say that we can check with the nural surgeon and have the nerves disconnected to ease the pain. The other option is they can move the ICD under the muscle to ease the pain as well. The drawback to the nerves is if you can't feel it you are going to lose it! I can see it now, in the line of work I have been in for years, I would be carrying my arm over my shoulder and jokingly tell the foreman, hey my arm is off. lol.. I would probably pass out first though, the sight of my own blood and arm laying on the floor would not be good. And speaking of irritating things, the people they hire to put the white cloud toilet paper on the spool are stressed out evil people! They seem to need a half a gallon of glue to make the inner fifty squares stick to the cardboard spool piece, and another gallon to glue the outer end down. they laugh too, because they know you will have to deal with it in the dark. Face it I would rather deal with it in the dark, because then I have an excuse for using confetti to take care of business. I will probably dream about that in one of my ten minute naps. OMG! Not another Nightmare!!!

   OK, Now that that little rampage is over where was I? Now if only Face Book had a dislike button. I would sit there for hours disliking that white cloud toilet paper. Damn! OK, OK back to the reason we are here in the first place. The other problems I have with my ICD when I sleep, are the times it seems to get hot. When it gets hot I imagine in my head that it is shorting out, and I can physically feel it through my skin. It gets very very warm at times, and I find that strange. The Nightmares that some heat in your chest triggers are quite warming really. They tend to add to the sweats as well, there is nothing like dreaming you have flames shooting out of your chest. Oh the things I dream of in my ten minute naps. I have had dreams of having the Doc add an aux port to my chest that I can plug my phone into to play music directly into my ears. I have also thought they should have made my ICD with a rechargeable battery so I could just plug myself in a night. It seems that this may be practical, because the batteries do eventually die, then you have to change out the device. Oh crap! I sure hope the next one will have the same plug for the lead on it! I can hear it already. I am sorry sir, but your lead is not compatible with the new ICD. This means you will need an extensive lead removal and reinstallation procedure. Yes, I have had that dream as well, its like trying to find a damned cell phone charger that is compatible with every phone out there, only it happens to be an ICD. So I walk back to the ICD department at wally mart and start digging through the ICD leads and batteries. Then you have to grab the exacto knife and cut open the scar on your chest and pop out the device. Just to get the model number, then you have the device hanging out and swinging about while you read the back of the boxes and the have your model number on them, but an after this date only so it does not fit. So you get frustrated and go to the counter and the clerk goes yup! You can order that there dohicky over ta tha automotive store. So yer directions are go out tha door ther an hang a left through the field to the sparrow tha points south on the third fence post. It makes sense in your dream, so off you go, running through fields, being hunted down by insurance salesmen and Victoria's secrets models chasing you down trying to fit you in a new training bra cause your man boobs need support. If that one does not creep you out nothing will! So you wake up startled and out of breath. In my pre death days I would never have run away from Victoria's Secrets models. Go figure, huh? 

   So when you awake startled and remember some of the night terrors you have been through, remember, they are just dreams. They do seem to come and go a little bit now. Another horrible sensation to wake to is when your ICD becomes cold as ice in your chest. I have no clue how this is even possible as it should remain at body temperature, but mine does on occasion turn into an ice cube. I hope that I am not the only one that goes through this! Actually I really really do hope I am the only one with this discomfort. It chills me to the bone and I cant seem to shake that one off for days at a time. Have you had the sweats when you are freezing to death? Well for me it is possible now, strange but true. It is when it tends to freeze up when I wake grabbing my chest for the most part. An ICD is a Great thing to have, though not perfected and a little pain lets you know you are alive I suppose. I hope that none of you out here in this world have to suffer through the problems and have a better experience with your device! 

   If you have the same issues as I do, Scream quietly as people are sleeping! I wish you all well, and I hope that you may have some sweet dreams! I know I sure need some!

   Keep coming back! More to come!

   Please keep the people in the Black Forrest in your thoughts!92 Homes have been lost so far and the fire is still not contained even 1% at this time.