My Doctor came in and asked me to squeeze his hands as hard as I could, I suppose so he could see if I had the strength to possibly survive the surgery on Weds 9/7/2011 morning. I said are you sure, he said yes so I let him have about half. His eyes almost popped out of his head and I could see the pain this man had in his eyes. I felt like a jack off. He said you are a lot stronger then I am. I was like well I don't feel so strong at the moment Dr. So implant surgery was to move ahead as planned. Oh Boy! The chances of Croaking on the table as explained to me, or at least how I understand it was 4%. Not bad odds at all. I had already passed my expiration date so what the fuck do I care? Right? I signed the permission slip, I could see in my wife's eyes that even the 4% had not sat well with her.
Now this is the woman that got a call from her dad that I was in the Hospital. She said "well there is a surprise, every time he quits smoking that man goes to the ER." So she told him she will hop into the shower and call the Dr. then head down to get me. Imagine her surprise when the Dr. said "Yes he is here, he died when his heart stopped beating. But we got him started again and he is stable now." The Doc said nonchalantly, I understand. The torture of my wife will probably continue on for another 40 years or so. LOL! Well, There she was, sitting across the room from me, not sure what she was thinking but I could tell it wasn't good. What an Awesome woman!
OK, Implant day arrives, its early morning, I am scared to death, I haven't shaved for days, my makeup is a mess and my dress keeps trying to fall off. I at least have underwear thanks to my lovely wife. I have no clue as to where the stuff I was wearing the other day went. Oh look over there, a bag full of a cut off shirt I had worn once. and my jeans yes! Oh, nope! Those have been cut off too. Oh, and my underwear that I thought had vanished, whoa WTF happened to those? Nice they cut those off as well. I cant escape now for sure, they will pick me up on Colfax and take me to the loony bin. OK more visitors, awesome! A lot of people really DO care about me! Then my Dr. Comes in to explain the wiring Diagram, but kicks everyone out first.
So what we gonna do here is Cut yer chest open like a sardine can and stuff this ignition module in that there hole and anchor it down to that there huma huma hooga thingy. Then we gonna go kinda fishin like an electrician. We have the 5 wire model we are gonna install in ya, but we only gonna hook up the one wire fer now. So we drill a hole into yer artery under yer collar bone n we use this bore scope apparatus and fish it down through this thingy, up and around the 7/11 and into yer left ventricle. I'm like shoot Dr., Major Payne could dig a bullet out his left ventricle wit a field knife, I can install that bad boy all by my lonesome. lol. OK, I didn't understand it either. What he said and what I heard were two different things! So I went with what made sense to me. I was gonna get a Mallory High Fire Ignition Installed and it was only going to require one super thick gold tipped spark plug wire. Right!? Got It! Bring it on! What was that? I am gonna be mostly awake and you are going to test fire it? UMMMM NO! This isn't working for me Dr.
So they put it in anyway. Was interesting laying there in surgery checking out the computer screens and feeling them begin the procedure. Light tugging at my chest and then some scraping where they were making the pocket for it to live in. The anesthesiologist said if I felt like it I could go to sleep, I didn't have to really be conscious for them to do their thing. So out I went! Whoo Hoo!
When I woke, I was back in my room dreading the test but surrounded by family and my left arm in a sling. They said I couldn't lift anything for 6 weeks. Well that's what I heard. They came in the next morning to test the device pictured above, and when the Dr. came in I freaked again. Tried to have my big girl panties on but what an unnerving thing to be in anticipation of. I saw the electrocution trick on Television on more than one occasion and I really had no desire to be the guinea pig here. So they laid this blue doughnut looking thing on my chest and the Dr. said we need to activate your blue tooth. Ha Ha Ha Doc! I am State of the Art now huh? Oh how fun. So he turns me on and plays with the adjustments and paces me up and paces me down and it feels really strange at first, but its really pretty cool stuff. He says after a few minutes OK! He packs up his machine and leaves. A little while later the nurses come in and say OK, we are going to send you home. I am like RIGHT ON! But you didn't test fire it! Like I care at this point. They said Oh yes, yes we did! We did it while you were sleeping. You lived!
More to Come keep coming back!
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